I am a child. Emotionally. A baby.
No adult me here today. She's gone. I'm a baby. I am 5.
I am all alone and it's scary.
So I'm going to curl up on my bed and hide.
I wish I had someone big and strong to hold me
I'm hiding away from the world for the rest of the day.
This is my hideout. It's magic. I'm safe here and no one can get me or hurt me.
I'm staying here for the rest of the day.
My comfy little secure safe space where nobody can hurt me.
I'm safe now.

Everything hurts too much!!!!
This pain is too much for my brain to process.
I can't even explain how I feel it is just pain!!!
And so many emotions! But they are so overwhelming all I feel is pain.
###$.
I am such a ###$ up!!!
Why!!!! I can't deal with anything !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT THE ###$ IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do. How do I function!!! How do I function!!!
How does anyone function with moods like this!!!
I just want to scream and cry and do something completely destructive.
I want drugs to numb the pain but I have none.
I've done so well lately, not drinking, not having irresponsible sex, no drugs. But I can't do it!!!
I would do ANYTHING right now to make this go away!!!
So what do I do? Sit here and just let it pass. But what's the point when it's just coming back again!!! It could go and then be back in 5 minutes, 50 minutes or a few hours.
So I'm just supposed to spend my life waiting for my bad moods and emotions to pass???

Great life that is!!! One minute your high! Next your down again, let it pass. Observe it without judging it... Same pattern repeats. And again. And again. And again. And again!!!!
This nightmare is never going to ######6 end!!!!!
They want me to do therapy what is the point!!!! They thinks that's gunna make my life liveable and make me normal?? Yeah right!!! Who am I trying to fool!!!
ARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I have been awake for... I don't even know.
I think it's been about 2 and a half days.
I feel so..... Weird.
I planned to go to sleep earlier tonight but even though I want to, I really DON'T want to.
I just feel unbelievably irritated.
I'm not right.
I wana go to sleep but at the same time I feel like by doing so I'm wasting time sleeping.
I've been painting a lot, and rearranging my house.
Sounds like hypomania or something but I don't think it is, (Ive not been diagnosed bipolar) who knows maybe it is some weird light form of hypomania if that's even possible.
I just know logically I should go to sleep or at least try but I can't be bothered... So I'm sat here writing this instead...
Maybe it's actually that I'm just becoming really depressed again and that's why I can't sleep.
I don't understand my feelings right now.
I feel like there's something I have to do.
Rargggggghhhhhhh
My mood was really low lately. Then today it's been really high but also really irritable. REALLY irritable. But that's generally what happens when you are sleep deprived.
This is such a pointless blog entry. I just feel weird.

Bloggy blog blog. I feel $#%^.
I should feel better.
I'm getting DBT yay! Which I've wanted for so long.... And it has been offered to me without me even asking for it and I had pretty much given up on getting any help in this god forsaken $#%^ ######6 awful system.
But I'm still not getting my hopes up in case I don't. I'm going to keep an open mind, if I do great, if I don't...
I can't take any more rejection.
I'm getting depressed again. Which is not what I want. The last however long... (I don't even know how long it's been) I've been dead again. It really isn't good. I can't do it. I really can't. I need to wake up again.
With periods of up and down in between, highs and lows. I'm blocking out everything.
I want to possibly try emdr on myself again but... What if I do it wrong? What if it makes me worse? What if it kills this passion inside me that I feel when I'm not feeling like this?
That passion keeps me alive, I need it. I want to feel.
I am so messed up. I wish my problems and difficulties were more straightforward so I could understand them.
I wish as well as DBT I could have a talking therapist. A therapist to talk to each week. That would help so much.
I will wish and hope and pray for it.
Somehow. I need it.
Uhh. I'm mentally exhausted from all this $#%^. I'm so emotionally drained.
It's so exhausting to be like this.
I need to sort it out.
One day I swear, things are going to be different. I don't even know how I still have hope after all I've been through.
I have to. Else what's the point in being alive. My poor little inner child. It's not her fault. She didn't ask for any of this.
She's just had to deal with this $#%^ all her life all alone. I wish I could take better care of her.
She's devastated and so hurt and abandoned and alone.
Everyone has hurt her. How dare they.
I have to keep that spark of hope alive. It's hard but I can. I must. ###$ mood swings, ###$ abusive people, ###$ depression, ###$ suicidal thoughts, ###$ the system.
###$ them all.
I don't know how, but someday I swear, things are going to be different. I will fight fight fight.

I can't live like this anymore. I'm clearly an asshole.
I AM SO SO ANGRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO CONTROL MY EMOTIONS....
I can't live like this anymore!!!!!
I am in agony!!!
I feel as though there is a substance in my veins that shouldn't be there, like tiny razors or pieces of glass in my blood stream, and with every heart beat they move through me and cause me this agonising irritation and pain...
How the ###$ am I to function...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ???!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!!
I can't see a way out of this.
I am full of RAGE...
I don't know what to do anymore...
I can't handle it...
I don't know what to do to get myself out...
I feel trapped...
And I'm SCREAMING LET ME OUT!!!!!!
But nobody does...
I need a way out!!!!!!!!!!
Am I just evil? And horrible?
Rarrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
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I am losing my ######6 mind !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!